Christian Gods - Butch Gerbrandt

[Larry Robinson]

Christian Gods 	

Baba, in American school,
Teachers always pray 
to start the first class.
I asked Teacher 
which God she was praying to.
She scowled and said “WE are CHRISTIANS,”
and made me stand in the corner.
Baba, what is a Christian?

Okay, Ganesh,
I’ll tell you what is a Christian.
Christians have two gods and a ghost.
Big God lives in the clouds.
Thunder is when Big God is mad.
Rain is when he is sad.
They say sometimes frozen rain falls here in Alabama,
It is like a giant unsweetened snow cone
spilling on the ground.
This happens when Big God 
is both sad and cold.

Big God married an Israeli named Mary
and they had a son Jesus.
Jesus was a carpenter.
But he got tired of building houses
and started telling people how to live.
He could do wonderous things.
He took five pieces of naan 
and fed five thousand men,
and there was enough naan left over
to feed the women and kids.
He could walk on the water
without a paddleboard.
He turned tap water into wine.
But you know, Ganesh,
we Hindi don’t drink alcohol.
So we can’t be good Christians.

Jesus’ relatives were jealous of him
and killed him.
But gods do not die easily.
After three days in the grave,
Jesus broke out and went to comfort his fan club.
Maybe Jesus was samalinagakami,
because he had twelve very close male friends
in his fan club.
Then, he flew into the clouds
and, like Amelia Earhart,
was never seen again.

The Ghost lives in Big God’s head.
Big God sends the Ghost to the planet surface
to whisper to humans 
and make them feel guilty.

Baba, I think the Ghost 
whispered to me 
when I was standing in the corner
afraid of the spider webs.
It said I should try 
to be like Christian American boys.
It said I should punch and shout
and pull the girls’ pigtails.

Ah, Ganesh, I like Jesus 
better than the Ghost.
Jesus taught, “Treat others like
you want them to treat you.”
I hope that is Christianity.

Ha ha, Baba.
I’ll buy you a snow cone
and you can buy one for me.

	- Butch Gerbrandt


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