Twenty Months Gone - Sashana Kane Proctor

[Lawrence Robinson]

Twenty Months Gone

My son is more dead now than ever
And I huddle 
   wrapped in the shroud
   of knowing absolutely
   that he is never coming back
   and I am forever without him.
I can’t change that.

The shroud is suffocating me
   weighted with the sorrow
   of what is never to be again.
I long to shred it from my body
   but it is stitched by needles pierced
   deep into the marrow of me
Weighted in the hem
   with gold coins of memories
   that hold no value to purchase
   his living.

They only weigh me down
   to the mire of loss and isolation
   the utter uselessness
   in the act of living 
   in the world around me
Where I am supposed to 
   function like a real person
   someone who remembers
   how to use a cell phone
   and make dinner
   and drive the car
   and pay attention to the living.

When all I really want 
   is to hold my son alive in a hug
   and hence be able to 
      love living again fully.

                   -  Sashana Kane Proctor
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